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[Oct. 30th, 2010|10:03 pm] |
People, dont cherish chances given until they lose it.
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People, dont realise they actually have the strength to do it, until they really try their best to do it.
I never thought I would be able to get myself out of the cycle, but I did.
I thought I was weak but I was stronger than I thought myself to be.
The irony of this ? The strength came from the one who gave all the hurt.
Someday, a limit would be hit and you would just want to walk away sliently, you dont even want to cry or blame anyone anymore. You just want to get out of it. |
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| LONG COLD SHOWER AND TEARS COME TOGETHER. |
[Oct. 1st, 2010|03:47 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | new perspective - panic! at the disco | ] |
There's a grave difference between letting someone go and getting over them. i dont believe in getting over something, in getting over someone. You let it go. The past and all the agony/happiness/extreme sorrow/excitement you felt having lived through it. You let it go to heal and improve yourself. But you never get over it. cause that would be like erasing that part of your life and for me, to erase a part of who you are and/or what you went through, is just a fancy way of saying that you are running away from it all.
So no, i will never get over the person who knew me best, the person who loved me best, the person who hurt me best.
I dont know, i feel like thats baggage. Well not to me, but most people would tell me i have issues. I choose not to listen to that, though. Cause it makes perfect sense to me and i refuse to conform to society's idea of right/wrong, good/bad, healing/running away.
Its good to keep memories anyway.
i am healed. I am not a new person, just a little improved (or at least i like to think so). Most days its easy to be me, i go through the hours with a clear mind, breezy. But on some days, there's a cloud hanging over my head and im frazzled, if not angry.
The reason it bugs me, knowing how difficult it is to open up to someone new, is that i dont know who (besides my friends who have either known me for years or who have come to accept me, flaws and all) in the world would tolerate me like that. I mean i know im not easy. And when someone pays me special attention or notices my mood changing, it frightens me a little. There's always this voice at the back of my head telling me to take ten steps back because, "your are just not ready".
So, suffice it to say that on some level, i am ready for a new challenge. I am prepared for change. I mean we always say that change is the only constant, dont we? The sad thing is, human nature resists change. I am weak when it comes to breaking down walls. I am pretty useless, in fact.
I want to fall in love for passion, yes. But more than anything, i want to fall in love with someone's mind.
I want to be in love with someone's character.
I want to fall in love with someone's walk. so that i could recognise it from a mile away without even having to see his face.
I want to fall in love with everything, so that i wont have a reason to leave when things get hard. I'd want to work it out instead.
Not so easy.
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| OPEN DOORS THAT CLOSE. |
[Aug. 15th, 2010|08:17 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | fireflies - owl city | ] |
I am so pissed. I am so fucking angry! I am so fucking pissed that i have this mass of seething rage within me now. I feel so fucked up now that there's seriously no words to describe the disappointment and pain inside me. It's times like this when i need some fucking bullshit theories to make the bad situation seem better. Then that would be another fucking big mistake because when you feel like crap, the only thing you need is for everyone to shut the fuck up. I would like to make myself believe that he/she really is my friend, not someone working for her/his own benefit. I saw through you a couple of days ago. I am dissapointed in you and your selfishness irked me. I am so sick of pretending that we are okay. I am so sick of trying. I am so sick of it all, so sick of you. Seriously, the mantra going on in my head is: for what, for what, for what, for what, for what, for what, for what, for what, for what, for what, for what, for what. Yeah seriously. What the fuck for? |
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